


Fierce Midnight

by LSquared1501



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Declarations Of Love, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LSquared1501/pseuds/LSquared1501
Summary: This is my version of the chapter Fierce Midnight if Tessa and Jem had not been interrupted. The first chapter follows the book with my own added tidbits. The second chapter is where my own creative freedom comes into play. I hope you enjoy. I do not own any of these characters or story. All belong to Cassandra Clare and The Infernal Devices
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Fierce Midnight

**Fierce Midnight**

Jem—

Jem jumped from the carriage and stalked up the Institute front steps and disappeared without looking back once at the carriage or Tessa, even though she was calling his name. He barely heard her he was so consumed with rage with an intensity unknown before. Now that he was feeling it, he never thought it would be because of Will, Will, of all people. Yes, Will could be annoying, exasperating, and sometimes cruel, but Jem had always thought deep down Will was a good person. He just was hiding something dark, but Jem would never have pushed him to unburden himself. Will must have a good reason to keep his secrets locked away so tightly.

He wasn't entirely sure where he'd been going. He came up short when he realized his feet had brought him to the music room, standing in front of where his violin was resting. He wasn't exactly surprised, however. It was one of the few items which brought him true comfort in his more miserable moments. This was definitely one of those since his parents had died. Will was the last person in the whole world Jem thought would make a mockery of his life. Even the Enclave members referring to his _illness_ or _disability_ were not so cruel.

Jem went back to his room and took an unadvisedly large dose of the _yin fen_. He wasn't sure what came over him, possessing him to do such a thing. He was always so careful with how much he took. He supposed it was a reaction to Will's actions. If Will could _indulge_ then he certainly could. Especially since he had a conveniently available _supply_ , already paid for. He half undressed for the sake of comfort and began to play.

The witchlight torches were burning low on the walls. Jem sat on the trunk at the foot of his bed in just his shirtsleeves and trousers, his silver hair tousled, the violin propped against his shoulder. He was sawing at it viciously with the bow, wringing awful sounds out of it, making it scream. One of the violin strings snapped with a shriek. He didn't notice.

"Jem!" Someone cried. He did not look up. The next Jem knew, Tessa, he'd finally recognized, stepped in front of him and wrenched the bow out of his hand. "Jem, _stop!_ Your violin—your lovely violin—you'll ruin it."

He looked up at her. He was breathing hard, his shirt open at the neck, he could feel the sweat on his collarbone. He could also feel his cheeks were flushed. "What does it matter?" He said in a voice so low it was almost a hiss. "What does any of it matter? I'm dying. I won't outlast the decade. What does it matter if the violin goes before I do?" There was barely any hint of self pity, sadness and anger in the unfairness of it all coloring Jem's voice.

It was just the simple truth. He stood up and turned away from Tessa, toward the window. He couldn't bear to see the pity in her eyes he would surely see. Only a little moonlight found its way into the room through the fog; there seemed to be shapes visible in the white mist pressed against the window—ghosts, shades, mocking faces. "You know it is true."

"Nothing is decided." Tessa's voice shook. "Nothing is inevitable. A cure—"

"There's no cure." Jem no longer sounded angry, just detached. _What was the point?_ he thought. "I will die, and you know it, Tess. Probably within the next year. I am dying, and I have no family in the world, and the one person I trusted more than any other made sport of what is killing me."

"But, Jem, I don't think that's what Will meant to do at all. He was just trying to escape. He is running from something, something dark and awful. You know he is, Jem. You saw how he was after—after Cecily."

Jem could sense Tessa, as he always could, standing just behind him. He dropped the violin almost carelessly onto the trunk and turned to face her. "He knows what it means to me," he said. "To see him even toy with what has destroyed my life—" _How could he do this?_ he thought with despair.

"But he wasn't thinking of you—"

" _I know that._ I tell myself he's better than he makes himself out to be, but, Tessa, what if he isn't? I have always thought, if I had nothing else that made my life matter, I have always stood by him. But perhaps I shouldn't." _Have I been deluding myself this whole time? Could my judgment really have been so off concerning Will all these years?_

His chest was rising and falling very fast. Tessa put the back of her hand to this forehead. "You're burning up. You should be resting—" _No, I'm not a sick child!_ Jem longed to shout. He flinched away from her, and Tessa dropped her hand. "Jem, what is it? You don't want me to touch you?" He almost flinched at the hurt in her voice.

 _Of course I want you to touch me!_ "Not like that," he flared, and then flushed even darker than before, aware this behavior was more characteristic to Will than himself.

"Like what?" Jem could hear the bewilderment in her voice.

"As if you were a nurse and I were your patient." His voice was firm but even. "You think because I am ill that I am not like—" He drew a ragged breath. "Do you think I do not know," he said, "that when you take my hand, it is only so that you can feel my pulse? Do you think I do not know that when you look into my eyes, it is only to see how much of the drug I have taken? If I were another man, a normal man, I might have hopes, presumptions, even; I might—" His words began to catch. _I'm saying too much!_ He was gasping, could feel how flushed his cheeks were.

Tessa shook her head. "This is the fever speaking, not you." _Of course she wouldn't believe me_ , he thought bitterly.

Jem began to turn away from Tessa. "You can't even believe I could want you," he said in a half whisper. "That I am alive enough, healthy enough—"

"No—" Tessa caught at his arm. Jem stiffened. "James, that isn't at all what I meant—"

He curled his fingers around her hand where it lay on his arm. And then he turned to her and drew her toward him. _What am I doing?_ Jem thought. _Well, she's not pulling away from me. Not yet, at least._

They stood face-to-face, chest to chest. He could see his breath stir her hair. The fever rose off him like the mist off the Thames; he felt the blood pounding through his skin, the pulse at his throat.

"Tessa." She looked up at him. He brought his head down, as she raised her face, his mouth slanting across hers, and they were kissing. Tessa, he was kissing _Tessa_. Jem's senses reeled. Kissing her was like nothing he'd ever felt before, absolutely exhilarating. More so than the rush of a large amount of _yin fen_ or the euphoria from battle, or even when he truly lost himself playing the violin. He never wanted it to end. His mouth was soft and firm; one of his hands circled the back of her neck gently, guiding her mouth to his. With his other hand he cupped her face, running his thumb gently across her cheekbone. He could taste burned sugar; the sweetness of the _yin fen_ that must have transferred from his own lips. His touch, his lips, were tentative. He realized that he usually _would_ mind that this was the height of impropriety, that he should not be touching her, kissing her, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

Jem felt Tessa's arms rise, curving around his neck, drawing him closer. He gasped against her mouth. He was so sure she would push him away that for a moment he went still. Her hands glided over his shoulders, urging him with gentle touches, with a murmur against his lips, not to pause. Hesitantly he returned her caress, and then with greater force—kissing her again and again, each time with increasing urgency, cupping her face between his burning hands, his thin violinist's fingers stroking her skin, making her shiver. His hands moved to the small of her back, pressing her against him; her feet slipped on the carpet, and they half-stumbled backward onto the bed.

Her fingers wound tightly in his shirt, Tessa drew Jem down onto her, taking the weight of him onto her body. _Am I too heavy?_ Jem asked himself. _She doesn't seem to pay no mind so I won't pay anymore heed to it than she is. Besides, she's beneath me, willingly._ Jem began to touch her. Tessa ran her hands through his hair. He could not stop running his hands over her in wonder. They traced their way down her body, her shoulders, stomach, and sides, the outlines of her breasts; not daring to linger too long on her chest, no matter how much he wanted to. His breath was ragged in her ear as he found the tie of her dressing gown and paused there, with uncertain and shaking fingers. Jem looked into her eyes and could see a decision being made, in the wake of his hesitation. Tessa reached down and undid the tie, sliding the dressing gown off her shoulders so that she was revealed before him in only her white nightgown. _Beautiful, so beautiful._

Tessa looked up at him, breathless, shaking her loosened hair out of her face. Propping himself over her, Jem gazed down, and said again, huskily, what he had said in the carriage before, when he had touched her hair. " _Ni hen piano liang_." He had to tell her again, even though she didn't know what the words meant.

"What does it mean?" She whispered, and this time he smiled and said:

"It means that you are beautiful. I did not want to tell you before. I did not want you to think I was taking liberties."

Tessa reached up and touched his cheek, so close to hers, and then the fragile skin of his throat, where the blood beat hard beneath the surface. His eyelashes fluttered down as he followed the movement of her finger with his eyes. _Please tell me this is not a dream_. He'd had enough of similar dreams these past few weeks. _Please tell me that Tessa is really here, in my bed, touching me, kissing me,_ he beseeched of the Angel. He was a little embarrassed when he realized his member was beginning to stiffen with his desire for her.

"Take them," she whispered. Jem released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He wasn't sure if it was relief or happiness. Probably both.

He bent down to her; their mouths met again. She felt so wonderful. He murmured her name and gathered her against him. He rolled her sideways, her legs scissoring around his, prompting his manhood to stir to greater life, their bodies shifting to press each other closer and closer still so it became hard to breathe, and yet they could not stop. Kiss after kiss, Jem was lost until Tessa found the buttons on his shirt, feeling her hands shaking. Clumsily she worked them free, tearing the fabric. No matter. He shrugged the shirt free of his shoulders. Her eyes roved over his chest. For the first time since Tessa came into his room, Jem felt embarrassed and self-conscious. He knew how his body looked compared to other Shadowhunters. Even Thomas, a mundane, had been more muscular than he was.

"I know," he said, looking down at himself self-consciously. "I am not—I mean, I look—"

"Beautiful," she said, sounding as if she meant it. "You are beautiful, James Carstairs."

Jem felt his eyes widen as she reached to touch him. Tessa's hands had stopped shaking. They were exploratory, confident, fascinated now. A feeling of intense gratitude infused his entire being. _How could this lovely creature think I am beautiful? Touch me as if_ I _were precious_ to her _?_ It was unfathomable to Jem. No one had ever looked at him as Tessa was now, and he thought no one ever would, thought he would die without the tender touches Tessa bestowed upon him. The pleasure he felt as she brushed her fingers over the Marks on his chest, permanent black and faded white scars alike, across the hollows between his ribs and the slope of his stomach, he couldn't withhold the shudder under her tender touch, was indescribable.

He was unable to stop touching her, either. After her exclamation of _his_ beauty, he could no longer suppress himself. His skilled musician's hands grazed her sides, skimming up her bare legs beneath her nightdress. He longed to feel her breasts in more detail, but also wanted to feel more of her. This was a time for slow exploration. He touched her as he usually touched his beloved violin, with soft and urgent grace that left them breathless. Jem could feel his fever radiating off of Tessa; their bodies burned, and their hair was wet with sweat, pasted to their foreheads and necks. His fever was not the only thing shared between him and Tessa; his manhood stiffened increasingly with each caress, each kiss. Although Jem had never done this before, he quickly ran through every bawdy tale he'd heard from Will, no doubt just stories he'd overheard from his visits to the different taverns of London, deciding which might have advice he could _actually_ utilize without disrespecting Tessa. He had to begin somewhere, so he covered her mouth with his once again.


	2. Fierce Midnight Part II

His body, with hardly any provocation from Tessa, was more than ready. He wasn't sure how embarrassed he should be. Although, Tessa didn't seem to have noticed it yet, or was choosing not to. He, on the other hand, was almost painfully aware of how stiff his member had become. It'd happened before, of course, he _was_ seventeen years old. He'd learned quickly how to deal with the condition and that had been that, until now. This was an entirely new concept for him. How was he meant to proceed? He knew that Tessa was just as on fire as he was, and would need release just as he did. _But which method do I use? Traditional intercourse? Separate, but mutual satisfaction? How hard would it be to achieve her satisfaction?_ Despite this internal questioning of himself, Jem realized there also seemed to be some instinct he was following that ran as deep as his bones. _Well, fortune favors the brave, does it not?_ His fingers slipped into the nonexistent space between them, finding the buttons that held her nightdress closed; he bent to kiss her bared shoulder as the fabric slid aside. It was a smooth, pale cream color in the moonlight. Tessa gasped, her fingers clenching in the covers. Jem smiled to himself. He was incredibly pleased at her reaction.

He found the next button and slipped it free, baring the valley between her breasts, bringing him closer to that which he longed to see. The next button allowed him to pull the placket open until it revealed most of her upper chest. Jem's mouth went dry. _Oh, my._ Tessa's gorgeous, there was no other word he could think to describe them, breasts were not overly large but not small, either. The material of her gown rested on either side of her nipples, which were a dusty rose color and he could see them harden after being exposed to the slight chill in the air. He could only stare at her incandescent loveliness. Jem nor Tessa uttered a word or sound. Her breath had caught and Jem sensed she was waiting for what he would do next, allowing him to take control, letting him know he had her absolute trust. He knew _exactly_ what he wanted to do, so he did it.

Leaning down Jem kissed a path between her breasts before moving over to her left breast, then took the nipple into his mouth. She groaned and Jem felt it shoot straight to his groin. He didn't think it was possible, but he hardened further. He couldn't recall a time when he'd ever been this aroused since his body had began changing. _It's Tessa_ , he thought. It was the only explanation. Tessa whimpered when he flicked his tongue over the stiff peak. He brought his right hand up when he switched breasts so that he could lavish the same attention upon her right nipple, unwilling to abandon the first. Her hands came up and Tessa began running her fingers through his hair again. Emboldened by her continuous whimpers, Jem moved his right hand down her body to her legs, then skimming upwards, her nightdress rising, until he reached the apex of her thighs, parting at Jem's urging. Her hands stopped, in what he assumed to be surprise, but she didn't tell him to stop. He could feel the curls guarding her sex and cupped her, gently rubbing the heel of his palm against her. Tessa twisted beneath him, whimpering again. She had never looked more beautiful to Jem.

Cautiously and slowly, so as not to startle Tessa, Jem slipped a finger through her folds. He could feel her sharp inhale of breath. Jem knew there was a place somewhere inside he needed to find that would help her climax. It just needed to be found. He noticed the wetness coating his finger as he explored this most womanly part of Tessa. He knew this, in addition to the sounds she was making, were signs of her own arousal. He was extraordinarily pleased it was of his doing. _Don't boast or be overly confident,_ he chided himself. His arousal was urging him onward, but this was not something Jem wanted to rush. He wanted to take his time, savor her, make sure Tessa felt an orgasm too, a term he'd learned from a most helpful book found by accident. In a non-arrogant way, he was confident that she would, but Jem likened this to a new piece of music to play. Jem would eventually master the piece, but he needed to learn the _feel_ of the music. Only now Tessa's body was the composition, his hands the bow, her climax the triumphant result of conquering the piece.

It was in this mindset that Jem found what he was searching for. It was a little bud hidden inside her folds. When he lightly touched it, Tessa gasped with what he recognized as shock. Jem wagered that Tessa never knew this place existed on her body before, or what touching it could do. He was happy he would be the one to show her. That is, if he did it correctly. _Surely I can. How difficult could it be?_ To test this theory, Jem swirled his finger around the bud, causing Tessa to moan, her pelvis pushing up ever so slightly. _Yes, this is_ definitely _the spot I needed._ Jem couldn't help the wide smile spreading across his face.

Jem explored her further, ignoring how tight his trousers had become. Telling himself to pay no attention to it his finger found her entrance and he pushed inside, feeling her walls clench around it. His member throbbed, almost relieving himself inside his trousers as he imagined how this would feel if _he_ were inside her. _Calm yourself, James!_ He mentally instructed. _You're a Shadowhunter, for the Angel's sake, you_ know _what self-discipline is! Tessa is your_ only _priority at the moment._ Bending his head Jem took her nipple back into his mouth and added a second finger. She was so very tight! He vowed to be as gentle as possible, moving his fingers steadily inside and out. His hair was clutched, not painfully though, in her unmoving hands, as if anchoring his head to her breast. Tessa sighed his name while writhing under him.

Moving his thumb to the hidden bud, he pressed down with more pressure than before, her hips bucking in response. The combination of his mouth and fingers was Tessa's undoing. Her back arched, head thrown back, eyes shut tight, she climaxed with a shout of his name before collapsing back down onto the bed. She was flushed and panting and Jem thought it was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen.

Despite his own need, Jem just looked at her while she recovered. Tessa's cheeks were still flushed, a sheen of sweat covered her body, hair stuck to her face and neck, her chest heaving; Tessa looked thoroughly ravished. He was in awe of her and that this alluring sight had been his doing. As he gazed down at her, Jem noticed her blush reached all the way down to the tops of her breasts. He throbbed again. He shifted, hoping to relieve _some_ of the pressure. Tessa opened her eyes at his movement. She gave him a breathtaking grin. He smiled back. "Turn over," Tessa whispered. Jem obeyed without question.

Jem had just settled on his back and was surprised when Tessa moved to straddle him, settling on his hips, his hard member bulging firmly against her backside. He realized she could feel it when her eyes widened a little before she gave him a saucy grin, then she lifted her nightdress over her head, tossing it to the floor to join his shirt. Even in the dim moonlight Jem could see her glorious body she bared before him. His eyes traveled the length of her body, taking in every lovely inch, until they settled at the triangle of brown curls between her thighs. _So that's what it looks like._ He grinned at the thought. Jem was then drawn back to her face when she giggled. "Do you like what you see, Mr. Carstairs?" She cocked an eyebrow, smirking at him.

Jem rested his palms on the tops of her thighs. Grinning back and giving a light squeeze, he answered, "You have _no_ idea, Miss Gray. And you, do you like what you see?" He couldn't help but jest back.

Tessa frowned in concentration. "Hmm—I don't think I can answer that honestly, as I do not have all the available information."

"What?" Jem was utterly confused in his arousal-heightened brain. _Information? What information?_

Tessa giggled again. "I believe these," she tapped his trousers with a pointed finger, "are a hindrance." She was so serious, but her eyes told a different story with the mischievous glint in them. Jem loved how teasing she was, even in a sexual setting. "Well, Miss Gray, let us see what can be done about that." She chuckled, but obliged by moving off him so that he could remove them. After his trousers and underwear joined the rest of their clothing, Jem didn't look back at Tessa. His member was fully erect and he was able to admit to himself he was more than a little self-conscious again; worried at her reaction. Who knew what she would think seeing the male form naked for the first time, and a _beyond_ aroused naked male.

"Jem," Tessa said softly. "Look at me." His eyes sought hers. "I told you before that you are beautiful, and I meant it." He didn't doubt the sincerity in her tone or eyes. Taking his silence as acceptance she climbed back onto his lap so that his member was directly in front of her, standing proudly, ready. "Show me what to do." Her voice was low and husky. It took Jem a moment to understand what she meant. When he did, he took her right hand and wrapped it around him, his hand on top of hers. "Like this." He applied some pressure then moved his hand slowly up and down a few times. Certain she understood, he let go, content to let Tessa choose her own pace. He shut his eyes, losing himself in the sensation of Tessa's hands on him. He never imagined it would feel this good or so different from when he did this himself. It did not compare.

Tessa chose a leisurely pace for a time but learning from his ministrations upon her body, soon added more pressure and speed. It wasn't long before Jem stayed her hand, unable to control himself for much longer. Her eyes and voice uncertain, Tessa began, "Did I—" He knew she thought she did something wrong.

"No," he interrupted her, "No, you were perfect. I couldn't—that is—I was about to—" Jem was flustered. He wasn't quite sure how to tell her he was so close to finding his relief in her hand, and much sooner than he wanted.

"Ah," she said before she stretched her body down over his. "I'm ready," she said against his lips, then kissed him deeply. Gathering her in his arms, Jem rolled until she was again underneath him. Jem kissed her unhurriedly, loving the feeling of her bare breasts against his chest, their legs tangling together. He needed a few moments to gather his wits about him. He was was afraid if he didn't he would climax almost as soon as he entered her. He knew this would hurt her and didn't want to be distracted when his focus should be on her. There was no doubt he would find his release, he just wanted Tessa to feel that bliss again after the pain she was about to feel.

Jem could feel his body yearning to be inside her, and inside her quickly. He was close, but he was familiar enough with his body that he could calm himself, to take his time. He didn't want this to be over too soon. Besides, he was curious to know if he could make Tessa climax again during intercourse. Kissing her, he raised up enough so that he could find her little bud of pleasure again. She was slicker than she had been previously and Jem was glad. The more moisture there was, the easier it would be to enter her. Tessa's eyes were closed again, drowning in the feelings he was causing. Hoping a distraction would help keep her relaxed, being tense would only hurt her more, he returned his mouth to her nipple. She plunged her fingers into his hair while at the same time he removed his hand, coming to rest on his left forearm. She didn't seem to notice.

Taking his member in hand, he guided himself to her sex, hesitating only a moment before pushing the tip past her folds. He could feel the moment Tessa realized what he was doing. "Shh, it's all right." She nodded mutely, accepting his reassurance, trusting him. He was humbled she did so, and so openly. He smiled and pecked her lips lightly, feeling her relax when he pulled away from her. Reassured himself, Jem rubbed his tip along her sex, coating himself with her wetness. Confident, yet cautious, he found her entrance again and slowly began pushing his member inside.

 _Tight—so tight,_ Jem thought as he groaned, closing his eyes at the exquisite pleasure he felt as he slowly enveloped himself in her warm heat. He stopped when he came to the barrier hindering his progress. _This is it,_ he thought. _This is where I can't avoid hurting her._ Not giving Tessa time to tense again, Jem pulled back a little and surged forward, breaking through her maidenhead, effectively marking her as a virgin no longer. Tessa gasped and her hands, which had come to rest on his upper arms, tightened around him. He stilled, letting her become accustomed to his intrusion. It was almost torture, to stay so still. But still he would stay, until she was ready for more. He rested his forehead against hers, waiting, willing his body to be patient.

"Tessa?" Jem could hear the strain in his voice. "Are you—"

"I'm fine," came Tessa's breathy reply, cutting him off. "I—I only need a moment." Jem would give her as many as she needed. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, but was probably no more than half a minute, Tessa relaxed and lightly squeezed his arms. Jem took this as a signal that she was ready for him to continue.

Completely cognizant that Tessa might still feel some discomfort, he slowly pulled back then re-entered her, her wetness making it easy. He found that he could slide further inside every time he pushed back in. It was glorious, her walls tight around him. After two more gentle thrusts, Jem found himself fully seated inside her, her wet heat surrounding his entire shaft. The pleasure was almost painful, his eyes nearly rolling all the way back into his head, but he knew it would get even better. He groaned and nearly climaxed at that thought alone. _Concentrate, you will_ not _find your release until Tessa does again,_ Jem silently vowed.

His thrusts became more purposeful, increasing his pace each time. Soon, Tessa was moaning, each one serving to only heighten Jem's pleasure, resulting in him quickening his pace further. His breathing was as ragged as hers. Her walls were so snug, his entry so smooth due to her wetness that Jem knew he wouldn't be able to hold on much longer. Shifting, he brought his hand between them again, using his finger on her bud. Tessa moaned loudly at his touch. He increased the pressure of his finger while increasing his thrusts. The stimulation was enough for Tessa. Her walls began to clench spasmodically around him. " _Jem!"_ Tessa shouted, he whole body going rigid beneath him. She then went boneless, dropping back down onto the mattress, gasping for air.

Jem was _so_ close that Tessa's climax and shout pushed him to the edge. Once, twice, thrice more Jem thrust into Tessa, and he fell and fell. With enough sense left, Jem pulled himself out of Tessa, just in time for warm, white liquid to spurt from his member onto her stomach. Even though she was most likely a warlock, it still would be prudent to not risk a pregnancy, not being absolutely certain she couldn't conceive.

His arms no longer able to support him, he collapsed on top of her. The only sound in the room was their harsh breathing. Not sure how long it took to come back to himself, Jem became aware that Tessa was drawing indistinct patterns on his back. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes.

"Did I hurt you much?" He almost feared her answer. Tessa's smile was radiant.

"No." Seeing the expression of disbelief that must've been on his face, Tessa spoke again. "Only a little—at first. Then—it was—" Tessa couldn't continue, her face flushing a deep red, averting her eyes from his. Jem couldn't help but chuckle at her embarrassment, dropping his forehead to hers. "Oh, Tessa Gray, you are adorable." He kissed her before she could ask _why_ he would say she was adorable just then. He didn't know exactly, but he found it profoundly so that she would be embarrassed to admit she found pleasure in making love. He supposed it was her mundane upbringing again. He, for one, was immensely pleased she found release in the physical expression of love. Twice! And even more pleased that she found it with him, James Carstairs. James Carstairs, the _ill_ Shadowhunter, the Shadowhunter with a _disability_ , always to be pitied, seen as weaker, lesser. A Shadowhunter unlikely to live much past his eighteenth birthday, if he made it to his eighteenth birthday. All the insults, the stinging barbs, sometimes unintentionally said yet still hurtful, the sad, pitying looks directed at him, none of that mattered anymore. All that mattered was how Tessa was looking at him. Jem had never felt happier than he did at this exact moment.

Jem would've been content to stay as he was forever. Lying against her, inhaling the scent that was uniquely Tessa mingling with _their_ scent. It was a heady, intoxicating feeling that overcame him. But Jem realized that while he was not powerfully built, he must be somewhat heavy, still lying atop her as he was. He shifted off of her, removing himself from the bed altogether. He immediately felt the loss of her warmth, but he now had another concern. The tell-tale product of his release was on both of their stomachs, and to his slight horror, until he remembered it was perfectly normal, the scarlet evidence of her virginity on his now softened member. If there was blood on him, then she surely must be covered in it as well. The thought then occurred to him that there must be blood on the sheets, too. He pushed it aside, to deal with later. _Blood on my sheets, of course, was never anything new,_ he thought wryly.

He walked to his dresser, poured water from the pitcher into the wash basin. Picking up one of the many white cloths always on hand, he dipped it into the water and quickly swiped it over his stomach and member. Clean, he picked up the basin then turned and walked back to the bed after grabbing a fresh cloth. While silent, Tessa had sat up and pulled the sheet to cover herself. He smiled at her modesty, even _after_ what they had just done. Jem set the basin of water on his side table and sat next to her. "Tessa, may I help clean you?" He said it matter of factly, no hint of embarrassment. His tone must've soothed and reassured her for she moved the sheet away from her body without saying a word. Jem would never take the trust she placed in him this night for granted. She had given him something special, and it warmed his heart considerably.

Her embarrassment seeming to have lessened, Tessa watched Jem wet the cloth, wring it out, then wipe the white substance from her abdomen. Wringing the excess water out after wetting the cloth again, he moved to her thighs where blood could be seen. Jem noted that she looked away this time. He gently removed the blood, repeated wetting and wringing the cloth out, then moved to the apex of her thighs. Although his touch was light, Tessa still flinched a little, inhaling sharply. "I'm sorry," he said, finishing and dropping the cloth into the basin.

Tessa looked at him and smiled. "It's all right. I'm only—a little sore." A little pink tinged both of their cheeks.

Tessa surprised Jem when she scooted away from him, but it was farther into the bed. Laying down, she patted the space beside her. Jem knew what she wanted and slid beneath the covers, lying down on his back. He was pleased when she immediately moved closer, resting her head on his chest. She tangled her leg with his and laid her arm across his middle, the top of her head just under his chin. He rested his cheek on the top of it, breathing her in deeply, feeling a sleepy contentedness steal over him. She was warm and her breasts snuggled against his side was a wonderful feeling. It was almost enough to ignite his desire again when Tessa's voice broke him from his thoughts. "I want to lie next to you for a little while." Her voice was drowsy.

"Stay as long as you like," Jem replied in a whisper as he planted a kiss on top of her head. _Stay forever,_ he added silently. He angled his head to rest his cheek on top of her head; both Tessa and Jem fell asleep with a smile.


	3. Epilogue

It was late the night of the party to celebrate keeping the Institute and then their engagement. It wasn't long after the storm that was caused by Cecily Herondale's arrival had calmed that Tessa politely excused herself to retire. She'd given his hand a light squeeze, a small, tired smile and left. Jem looked back and saw that she did look very tired, so he squeezed her hand and let her go. Besides, he'd had a storm that was uniquely his to calm. The storm of one William Herondale. To say that Will was furious Cecily was there, wanting to be a Shadowhunter, and would _not_ leave, was quite an understatement. Jem found Will in the training room after he departed the dining room in a huff, after his arguing with Cecily and Charlotte had not provided the outcome that he desired; Charlotte sending Cecily back to Yorkshire, as soon as possible, never to return. Despite Will's vehement objections, Charlotte could not send Cecily away. For one, it was late and she had no escort. Jem knew Charlotte's conscience would never allow her to send a fifteen year old girl into the streets of London after dark by herself, let alone a trip back to the wilds of Yorkshire. Will was most unhappy when Charlotte then pointed out that he had shown up on the Institute doorstep five years ago in much the same circumstances. She had not been able then, by conscience nor by Clave duty, to turn him away, so she could not refuse Cecily. Jem could see she felt wretched to make Will so unhappy, but it could not be helped.

It was quickly apparent during this spirited argument that Cecily had a temper very much resembling her brother's. She gave back just as much as Will did, albeit a tad less dramatic, but passionate all the same. This was a fact Jem did not point out to Will, for obvious reasons, and was quite the source of amusement to him. He was silent with his amusement, however; Jem didn't want Will's foul mood to shift to him. He was far too happy to instigate what would essentially be picking a fight with Will, and Jem was unwilling to do so. The conversation with Will had been brief. It didn't take long for Jem to see that there was no calming Will and left him to angrily throwing knives at the wall. There would be plenty of time to talk tomorrow. Jem only hoped that morning would bring an exhausted Will ready to listen to reason, or at least give Will the time he needed to be more polite while discussing the situation.

Now was not the time to talk to Will, while he was so angry. It was not a night to fill with more strife. Jem felt giddy with happiness, a happiness he hadn't felt since before his parents' deaths. He was sitting on the trunk at the foot of his bed again and playing his violin, softly, in hopes of not waking Tessa. He didn't want to disturb her rest, but he needed an outlet, and Will was currently not an option. If he didn't find some sort release he might be shouting from the Institute rooftop. Charlotte would definitely _not_ be happy with him if he did. He laughed at the thought. It was then that he heard it. A very loud and very terrified scream, coming from the room right across from his. _Tessa's_ room.

Jem's blood froze for only a moment before he dropped his violin and bow and grabbed his sword-cane. He wrenched his bedroom door open, dashing across the hall in two long strides. He didn't even knock, just barged inside, ready to fight. Expecting to see automatons or some other type of threat, Jem was immensely relieved to see it was only Tessa, tossing and turning, to and fro, in her bed, calling out. It was only a nightmare. Jem closed the bedchamber door and approached the bed after leaning his sword-cane against the wall. Tessa was saying her brother's name with such heartbreak that Jem's own heart broke from the sorrow in her voice. Despite the terrible things, and terrible they were, Nathaniel Gray had done in his service to the Magister, Jem knew, even though they were technically cousins, Nate would always be her brother. And although Tessa may hate him, there would always be a part of her that loved the brother that she'd grown up with, the brother who had once loved Tessa, Jem was sure.

He sat on the bed beside her. "Tessa," Jem called her name. She didn't respond right away. Only whimpered again. "Tessa," he tried again. The only response was Tessa murmuring his name. The smile this put upon his face was quickly replaced with concern when she called out once again, this time she was begging someone to stop, to stay away from him. He wondered who _him_ was. She then shifted, as if shying away from someone. Unable to see her suffering in her dream state any longer, Jem lightly touched her shoulders and gave a small shake, calling her name again, a little louder this time. "Tessa, wake up." Her eyes flew open, darting quickly in every direction before finally settling on him. Gray eyes met silver for only a moment, Tessa then gasped and sat up, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, forehead against his shoulder.

"Jem, _oh Jem,"_ Tessa cried out, sobbing into his shirt. Jem pulled her to him tightly and made shushing noises he hoped were comforting, while running his hand over her hair again and again. It took a few minutes of rocking her, but she finally calmed down enough that she pulled away, looking around. Realizing what she wanted Jem pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and offered it to her. She took it silently and wiped her eyes. He didn't speak, content to let her to let her speak in her own time. It didn't take long.

With red-rimmed eyes Tessa looked at him. "I'm sorry I woke you." Her voice trembled slightly.

"Tessa, it's all right, I was not yet asleep." She didn't reply, only nodded. He could tell she was still distressed and he didn't want to leave her like this. "Do you want to talk about it?" More silence. "I heard you say Nate's name." She looked at him again. "I did?"

"Yes. You begged someone to stop and to stay away from someone, but you didn't say anything else, besides my name." He blushed a little. _They were_ engaged! Why should it embarrass him to tell her she called his name while she was dreaming?

 _"_ Oh," was all Tessa said.

"Do you remember any of it? Sometimes when I have nightmares it helps to talk about it. That is—if you remember. Sometimes I don't. I only know I'd had a nightmare when I wake up sweating and gasping for breath, my heart nearly beating out of my chest."

So softly he almost didn't hear her, she said, "I remember. I remember and it was horrible. Mortmain had you and me at the Dark Sister's House. We were in cages and Nate, Nate was there, but he didn't betray us. He was a prisoner just as we were. Mortmain was forcing Nate with magic to hurt you, poking at you through the cage's bars with hot, iron pokers and no matter how much I screamed or begged, he couldn't stop. Nate begged for forgiveness every time he stabbed you and tears were running down his cheeks. He apologized over and over. He was—the brother I knew as a little girl. Not the twisted, bitter man who died in my arms." Tears were coursing down her cheeks again. "I couldn't get him to stop. I thought I was going to watch my brother kill you, all the while Mortmain was laughing in the background, telling me 'I was his now, and there was no Tessa Gray,' just like he said when he invaded the Institute. I thought I was going to watch you die!" Her voice broke on the last word and the anguish Jem could see in her eyes tore at him, his heart breaking for her.

He pulled her tightly to him. "Shhh. I'm here and I'm fine. You're safe here with me, protected from Mortmain and his automatons. I will _always_ protect you. And you will never have to see me die at the hands of Mortmain." _More likely I'll be lying in bed, choking on my own blood._ He inwardly shuddered at the thought, but he dismissed it. There was nothing he could do about it. It was what it was, they would just have to take it day by day and make the most of them.

Her sobbing had subsided and she pulled back to look him in the eyes. "Jem, I love you. I love you so much. You know that, don't you?" There was almost a note of hysteria in her voice.

"Of course I do. Just as I love you with all of my heart and my being." He cupped her face in his hands. "You are my world, Tessa." He was surprised when she grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and pulled him to her, crashing her lips against his. Her kisses were fierce and Jem returned them with just as much fervor. There was suddenly a frenzy of clothes being almost torn from their bodies and soon they were making love with a passion unknown or felt until then, conveying to the other what couldn't be said with words.

Afterwards, when Tessa was breathing slow and steady, draped across his chest, Jem lay awake, basking in the afterglow he still felt from making love with Tessa. A part of him knew it was wrong, that they were only engaged, not married yet. A quiet voice telling him this shouldn't have happened again, not until the vows were spoken, but he couldn't care less. All he knew was that this moment was perfect, and if Tessa was amenable to the idea, he would visit her bedchamber every night for the rest of his life, married or not. He looked to the clock on the fireplace mantle and noticed the time. As much as he didn't want to leave her he knew he had to. He didn't want to take the chance of falling asleep and being caught in her room, most likely by Sophie. Sophie would be scandalized, Tessa humiliated. He gently extricated himself from Tessa, miraculously not waking her, and rose to gather his clothes. He was only going across the hall but he still wanted to say goodbye and good night to her. They hadn't said a word after they made love, only took comfort in the other's presence. He sat on the bed and brushed a few curls that had escaped her plait away from her face. Her eyes fluttered open.

"Jem?" she said, her voice thick with sleep.

"Shh. All is well, my love. It's late and I'm just going to my room."

She nodded her sleepy understanding. "Good night. I love you," she said with a smile.

Jem bent and kissed her lightly. "Good night, and I love you." When Jem was settled back in his room, in his own bed, he realized he missed her, missed having her warmth next to him. He thought about talking to Charlotte tomorrow and find out her thoughts on a possibly sooner wedding date. He yawned, then looked over to his mantle clock. He needed to sleep if he was going to try to come up with a sound argument on why he and Tessa should marry sooner, without it being obvious that they had already engaged in sexual relations. Yes, sleep, he needed sleep. Jem looked at the clock again. It was late...it was midnight.


End file.
